How I Lost My Dignity
I lost my dignity when I chose to share Christmas with my ex-husband and our daughter instead of the extended family. Divorce happens and it happened for me too.
The first Christmas after we separated, my family flew in from abroad to spend it with me and offer support. When I told them that I wanted my ex-husband to be a part of the Christmas dinner, I was told that I needed to learn to keep my dignity and that I had to choose between spending it with them or with him.
"It is better to have dignity in life than to live without it," my then beautiful 94-year-old grandmother told me over Skype. It was a belief that had been passed from generation to generation. In her world, once you get divorced, each person needed to go their separate way in order to keep their dignity.
I was destined to adopt that belief as my own and to live accordingly: dreading the holidays, feeling guilty for being with one and not the other, and passing on that stress to my daughter, all for the sake of "dignity." The fact that we both had agreed that this was what was best for both of us and that he had done nothing wrong was, apparently, totally beside the point.
So that Christmas I decided to lose my dignity and replace it with happiness and wellbeing. Having grown up in what some might call a "broken family," when I knew that my marriage was over, I was determined that I would create my own different experience of divorce. It would be a "Love Divorce," with different ways of expressing itself. I still loved my soon-to-be ex-husband, and I always will. For me, love is not something you can give and take away, it is always present. How it is expressed can transform, but the pureness of the emotion is unchangeable.
Within my own definition of divorce, my daughter would grow up in a loving, supportive, trusting family, without fights and bickering — and she has. We would share special occasions and even go on vacation together when possible — and we have. We would support each other in pursuing what is best for us — and we have.
Life is Good. We are living it by design and not by default or inheritance. It's my belief and direct experience that everyone gets to design their life their own way, no matter what. It doesn't take two to tango — it just takes you! Life will happen for you always, and you will always have a choice to see it as a blessing or a curse.
The question is: how do you design the life you want? I was lucky to have simple, yet profound tools to know how to do deal with my emotions and limiting beliefs around divorce. I knew how to release old programming from past experiences and to act from a place of potential. Three things were key.
Open my mind to a new way of getting divorced, and let go of the beliefs and cultural conditioning of what a divorce should look like.
Open my heart and empathize with my husband’s pain and fears, my pain and fears, to look deep inside, realize my short-comings, ask for forgiveness, and forgive myself.
Open my will and take decisive action, despite the intense fear of losing the support of my family and friends.
I ended up spending Christmas with my ex-husband, my daughter, my mom, and our cleaning lady. We had a wonderful time. This was five years ago, and my daughter has had the privilege of five drama-free loving and fun holidays since then, knowing that she is deeply loved by all.
So how did things turn out with my extended family? How are they now? I could have made a whole Sophie's Choice story around how my Christmas had been ruined, judge them, and hold resentments towards them but I decided to open my mind, my heart, and my will to them — and they’re better than ever. I learned that when given the opportunity to question their beliefs (not by preaching but through example) people are freer to change them. I never once heard the story about losing my “dignity” again, and Christmas time truly has become stress-free time for all.