7 Steps to Stress-Free Holidays
If the holidays — and all of the relationship dynamics they throw under the spotlight — cause you stress, this is for you. If you lead a stress-free life, please share your recipe with the rest of us! I’m not there 100% yet, but I’m always open to learning.
According to participants of the Innovate Your Life 2017 Design Workshop, one of the most powerful exercises we can do to de-stress is to take a panoramic view of our existing relationships. Notice which relationships infuse you with energy, and which ones drain you. Identify the judgments, expectations, and underlying beliefs that you have about each relationship, and choose to keep as-is, grow, transform, or let-go.
Though it’s hard to synthesize a 2-hour exercise, I felt called to give it my best shot — especially because after I wrote How I Lost My Dignity and Created Happiness, I received an overwhelming number of messages asking how to transform relationships. This exercise is designed to help anyone live life by design, without expectations; in other words, the key for living with less stress.
The 7 Steps
Draw a Panoramic View of Your Relationships
Grab a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Draw a circle in the middle with your name on it. Draw one circle for everyone you’ll be spending the holidays with around the circle that represents "you," and write their names inside.
If the relationship is positive and gives you energy, draw a solid line between you and that person. It the relationship is more negative and tends to drain you, draw a squiggle line between you and that person. If the relationship goes back and forth between great and awful, draw a dotted line between you and that person.
Write your Top 3 Judgments
Next write the top 3 judgements you have of each person- Yes even the positive ones! Oh, you don't judge the positive people in your life? you judge them as: supportive, wonderful, organized, respectful etc. They are still judgements. Still labels that we have put on people that may lead to future disappointments if for some reason they fail to live-up to the identity you have created for them. I believe that everyone serves as our mirror. They can mirror back our blindspots, our strengths and the greatest possibility of who we already are and have yet to realize and express. This exercise may look like its all about them, when in reality it is all about you and discovering more who you are- the good and the bad.
Write All Your Expectations
Next, write down how you’d like them to behave during the holidays with you. Feel free to get petty with this; it’s the accumulation of the small stuff that creates resentment and can ultimately hurt relationships the most. For example, I expect my daughter to clean her room, dress elegantly, and remove her black nail polish. I expect my husband to take out the trash, and help with cleaning up. I expect Aunt Matilda not to get drunk and to stop her complaining. I expect...I expect...I expect...Include the expectations you have of yourself, too — these are critical. I expect to overeat sugar, I expect to really enjoy time with my family, I expect not to be concerned with work, etc.
Turn it Around
If you aren’t familiar with The Work of Byron Katie, I can't recommend it enough. It is one of the most powerful, simple, and profound tools I have come across in pursuit of creating a stress-free life. It is, as the name suggests, a fair amount of work — but if you’re committed to living a stress-free life you may want to go to her New Year's Mental Cleanse and give yourself the best holiday gift possible.
However, in light of the holidays being upon us and knowing that time is of the essence, I suggest you skip straight to the “turnaround” — there is an app that allows you to go through her process with ease (and even a helpline with experienced Work volunteers), if you’d like more guidance.1) First, turn all the negative judgments you have about other people around on yourself. For example: Aunt Matilda is messy; I am messy. Then, find genuine examples of how this could be true — maybe you are messy in certain areas of your life that you’re not aware of, or in ways that don’t bother you but might bother other people.
Once you start observing how you too sometimes show up in similar ways to the ones you are being so judgmental of, it will allow you to make a conscious choice of how you want to respond. By doing this, you will start to focus your attention on yourself and your own behavior — which is all you can really change.
2) Review all of the positive judgments you wrote about those you have strong relationships with. What is it about them that you admire and respect? Maybe one of them is very patient around children, or doesn't nag others. Is this something you could emulate or improve on in your own behavior? Again, it’s your choice to make.Let Go of All Expectations
What if you decided to truly give up all expectations of how people should and should not behave? What if you looked at all of the labels you have put on people and their behavior, and just for the holidays you decide to let go of wanting them to be different?
Choose
You can always make your own choice. Are you keeping, growing, transforming or letting go of your relationships? What behaviors, habits and beliefs about you, life and them are you keeping or letting go?
If you decide to accept people as they are (including yourself!), you may be in for a big surprise. You may actually get to meet the real "them" for the first time ever, and get to meet the real "you" in the process. You will become at peace with communicating boundaries and taking actions that are ultimately kinder — even if it means letting them go for good.
Pick Role Models and Embody Their Wisdom
Many of the most successful and fulfilled people in the world have role models. In this last step, you are invited to pick your role models for the holidays and embody their wisdom.
It may well be that you’re not ready to be patient with Aunt Matilda's bad jokes — especially when she has had too many glasses of wine. Though you set the intention to “Let Go of the Expectations” you had around Aunt Matilda, you may still need a little help from someone you know is more patient.
I hope these steps support you in experiencing happier holidays. Even though I've had access to these tools for over a decade, it continues to be a learning process. My suggestion is to treat them as guidelines, not rules, to have patience with yourself, and to see it as a practice that you will get better at every time you use it.